I've been busy doing lots of reading, dipping in and out of depression, beating myself up about an awkward relationship I've seemed to have gotten myself into....and actually getting back to my writing. In the midst of all this confusion I moved a couple of weeks ago, and i'm trying to get settled in here.

I hate it. I hate living here so, so much. But I don't have any other choice right now so i'm making the best of it until I get get myself together again. Life is rough, and finding reasons to smile seem to get harder and harder...but I refuse to fall back into crazy I worked myself into.

I've also been writing a lot, because I have quite a bit of free time these days. I talked to musicalmimicry about it, and she talked me into posting it to my journal once I finish it...scared to death, but I think it will be good for me. :3
I love writing and I hadn't been doing it in a while, so i'm looking forward to what might become of this.

I also did some cosmetic work on the page--now instead of ToraPon, it's all of Alice Nine; man I love this band so much, and this is one of my favorite photoshoots.

It feels strange updating my blog after being away for so long...hopefully that will change soon! XD

When my mom went into the hospital this time, I told her that I would stay with her because her room is private and the couch pulls out into a bed. She's always in some form of pain because of the amputation, and sit up with her and hold her hand when she's in pain.

But I woke up 45 minutes ago because she was crying--sobbing actually because her foot hurt so bad...it hurts even more because she apologized for gods' sake... actually APOLOGIZED for waking me up with her crying. Honestly, I would have felt worse if I hadn't woke up, and I got up and held her while she cried into my shoulder...feeling like the most useless thing n the world.

Now it's my turn to cry, silently here in my corner while the morphine makes its way through her system...and get myself together for the next time she needs me.

I've been spending all my free time here at the hospital with my mom through this whole surgery process. At least now she is more alert, and moving around even though a bit troubled. Rehab for her leg started on Saturday and today my aunt and I made it here in enough time to sit with her during her session. The therapist says she's doing really well...I'm glad she is really giving it her best effort even though it hurts. We cracked jokes and did the exercises with her while we were there, and of course she worried over my clothes and hair like she always does...some things never change xD

Thanks for the concern Suzy...it's nice to know other people care. I worry about being a burden to my friends all the time so thank you thank you again <33333

Tomorrow they will most likely be taking her back into surgery for the amputation now...I just want them to take the freaking thing before it causes anymore problems. Cross your fingers everybody.

I can't even remember the last time I updated my journal....I've never let it become this dead before!

Everyone, my birthday is fast approaching. I am living in fear of this day. My mind is having a bit of trouble wrapping around this latest year I'm afraid.

Mou...I don't even know what to ask for! Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything so if I get anything I'll be happy.

It's irrational how my heart can still flutter
Though ripped and riddled with scars

I can still blush a sweet crimson
Though the color has been drained from my world

Is this love?

The darkness doesn't seem as ominous
Yet the light seems dim compared to you

I can push away my darkness
And feel the warmth of your light on my skin, in my heart

Is this love?

In the rain I stand

bitterness everlasting streaming

pooling in wide, un-shaded eyes

bits of my heart crash about

so loud, yet soft as unspoken dreams

whispered in silence and swallowed up by the dark.

 Today has been a giant mess of worry and hectic cooking.

It was supposed to SNOW today of all things...but it was just frigid instead so yay for no snow! I would like the spring to come though...this year i'm going to try and kick my lack of skirt and dress love and wear them more often...I started last summer, but mostly failed aside from my birthday.

My mom has caught something terrible and she's been pretty sick for the whole weekend. I thought that maybe she had caught the stomach virus my aunt had but it doesn't seem to be the problem...I made her stay home from church today so I could look after her. I took over most of dinner as well, and it was pretty good, if I do say so myself! XDDD

I also hunted around and got myself some shiny new icons, from ledagrafics  today. They are simply perfection.

 I've been avoiding the internet since news of the earthquake and tsunami that has ravaged Japan. So many people...so many lives have been lost already, and countless more can not be found --today on the news, I heard that a town has 9,500 people unaccounted for.

I broke down and cried like a baby last night when the bodies started to wash up, and in the back of my mind I always worry that it will be someone's child, or sister, or husband and it tears me up inside. I know that logically, I shouldn't feel so attached to this disaster but I can't help but feel like it's my own brothers and sisters i'm losing, even from thousands of miles away...

Since Sendai was was one of the areas hit the hardest, I immediately thought of Nightmare--selfish? Probably, but they are safe, and hopefully all their family members are accounted for. A handy list has been created online of all the musicians, actors, etc. that have checked in and are alive and well...jpopasia has one, and there's one on tokyohive as well as the ultra helpful Google People Finder. For the most part, all the bands were either in Tokyo when the earthquake hit or were able to get to safety and tell someone they were alive.

Then today was a fresh wave of bad news with the death toll rising overnight from 100 to 686, and this reactor explosion scare along with the 125 aftershocks that they are still experiencing...I will continue to pray hard for their recovery.